I watched two minutes of something I should not have, Dr. Drew on Unschooling. Ugg...I've seen this before. Every time I see someone on TV discuss unschooling, they always show clip after clip of children being...children. It is as if only unschooled, or homeschooled for that matter, children are capable of being rude and obnoxious. It just makes me crazy. They film all day at your house for several days, then make a montage of all the times you asked the kids to do something and they growled or all the times they interrupted. And they always show all the little ones, not the young adults.
I'm going to attempt to set something straight here. I don't homeschool my kids so that they will be perfectly regulated angels. I'll admit it, sometimes they are outright brats and they make me cry in frustration. But I'm fairly sure that public schooled kids do that too, especially the young ones. I don't expect them to be well behaved all the time. They are children and they are learning what is right and wrong, what is good and evil, and how to behave in a social group. To me, and many others, the way to teach that is by example. If you treat a child as a slave, with no individual rights, his humanity will rebel. He will get uglier than he is already. If you put a child in a totalitarian system, he will not learn self-government. If you use force on a child, he will use that force on others. Use force on a person and you get rebellion or submission, neither is a positive attribute in my opinion.
Two examples from our house.
Me: "Hey, Tom! Can you take out the trash when you get a minute?" (He's playing a video game on my computer.)
Dream Response (which I do get fairly often): Tom: "Sure, just a second." (Finishes level or gets to save point, runs out to the trash.) "Anything else?"
Me: "No. Thanks!"
Tom has learned that what he is doing is valid and he has been respected. He will most likely treat others this way. Maybe not always, or right away, but in the future for sure. And there is always the likely hood that he may just be wrong in his head and be an ass when he grows up. It's his choice and forcing him to do something when I say to do it regardless of his feelings will not change THAT.
Another Likely Response (of which I also hear very often): Tom: "Sure, just a second." (Keeps playing)
Me: "Tom? The trash? When? I'd like to read our book". or "We have somewhere to be today."
Tom: "Oh! Right! Sorry!" (Saves game. Does chore.)
And this response happens every once in a while, more often when they were younger. Tom: "I'm busy! I can't save!"
Me: "Ok, I'll do it this time, but breakfast will have to wait that much longer. I hope you aren't hungry."
This is where people freak out. He has no consequences for not doing what you told him to do! Yes, he does. His breakfast is late. And my cheerful attitude about doing more work while he plays usually gets his conscience and he loves me a bit and does something else to help. Maybe not the first time, but eventually.
Bottom line? I treat my children with the respect I treat adults. Their play is their work. Yes, it's a lot more fun than my work usually, but I took that on of my own free will and they will too eventually. And yes, it is working. My boys are 11 and almost 10 now. They help a lot more than they used to and never by force. I have heard often this past year, "I'll help you do your chores so it will go faster and we can go to Disneyland earlier!" They have personal chores they do, but they are chosen by them and usually revolve around them and what they like. Jake likes his bed made when he gets into it, so he makes it. Tom doesn't like jeans on the floor because he is afraid of bugs, so he folds them up in his drawer.
I don't have well behaved children. I have children. They are cute and that is what saves them many days! :)
I'm going to attempt to set something straight here. I don't homeschool my kids so that they will be perfectly regulated angels. I'll admit it, sometimes they are outright brats and they make me cry in frustration. But I'm fairly sure that public schooled kids do that too, especially the young ones. I don't expect them to be well behaved all the time. They are children and they are learning what is right and wrong, what is good and evil, and how to behave in a social group. To me, and many others, the way to teach that is by example. If you treat a child as a slave, with no individual rights, his humanity will rebel. He will get uglier than he is already. If you put a child in a totalitarian system, he will not learn self-government. If you use force on a child, he will use that force on others. Use force on a person and you get rebellion or submission, neither is a positive attribute in my opinion.
Two examples from our house.
Me: "Hey, Tom! Can you take out the trash when you get a minute?" (He's playing a video game on my computer.)
Dream Response (which I do get fairly often): Tom: "Sure, just a second." (Finishes level or gets to save point, runs out to the trash.) "Anything else?"
Me: "No. Thanks!"
Tom has learned that what he is doing is valid and he has been respected. He will most likely treat others this way. Maybe not always, or right away, but in the future for sure. And there is always the likely hood that he may just be wrong in his head and be an ass when he grows up. It's his choice and forcing him to do something when I say to do it regardless of his feelings will not change THAT.
Another Likely Response (of which I also hear very often): Tom: "Sure, just a second." (Keeps playing)
Me: "Tom? The trash? When? I'd like to read our book". or "We have somewhere to be today."
Tom: "Oh! Right! Sorry!" (Saves game. Does chore.)
And this response happens every once in a while, more often when they were younger. Tom: "I'm busy! I can't save!"
Me: "Ok, I'll do it this time, but breakfast will have to wait that much longer. I hope you aren't hungry."
This is where people freak out. He has no consequences for not doing what you told him to do! Yes, he does. His breakfast is late. And my cheerful attitude about doing more work while he plays usually gets his conscience and he loves me a bit and does something else to help. Maybe not the first time, but eventually.
Bottom line? I treat my children with the respect I treat adults. Their play is their work. Yes, it's a lot more fun than my work usually, but I took that on of my own free will and they will too eventually. And yes, it is working. My boys are 11 and almost 10 now. They help a lot more than they used to and never by force. I have heard often this past year, "I'll help you do your chores so it will go faster and we can go to Disneyland earlier!" They have personal chores they do, but they are chosen by them and usually revolve around them and what they like. Jake likes his bed made when he gets into it, so he makes it. Tom doesn't like jeans on the floor because he is afraid of bugs, so he folds them up in his drawer.
I don't have well behaved children. I have children. They are cute and that is what saves them many days! :)
2 comments:
I wish I could claim credit for the way you turned out. We both know your childhood makes the boys look like a week at Disneyland. I wish you knew how much I regret every minute I was not with you growing up. I hope you know now it was not my choice. It's words like these that lift my heart and remind me how much I love you, always have always will.
Michelle, we are dissimilar in some ways of what and how we think our kids should learn. Neither right or wrong and that's what I love about us...no judgement. I don't think that because you unschool your kids that has any bearing on how your children act, and really, how dare people equate how your children learn to how you teach them. Kids learn by example. This is where we are similar. Consequences are consequences whether they are direct (no chores=no park) or indirect (no chores=I do them and breakfast is delayed and you go hungry, bow bow bow). This is how kids learn to be critical thinkers, something I think we are missing so much of today. When kids are told what do to and what will happen if they don't they don't get to learn to THINK. Kids learn by doing, or not doing. Period. Its all the same. Keep on truckin' mama. You are doing great!
zil
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